Killer7 in RESIDENT EVIL
by Killer7Queen
Summary: The Killer7 and Co. are forced to reenact scenes from Resident Evil. Hilarity ensues.
1. The Beginning

1.

The Beginning

The assassins are chilling out at the new Killer7 headquarters in Osaka, Japan. Suddenly-

SKADOOSH!

The Queen appears.

K7Q: BEHOLD, MY CHILDREN! YOUR QUEEN IS HERE!

Dan: Oh dear god, not again!

Garcian: Queen Smith, why have you come here?

K7Q: THE QUEEN IS BORED AND HAS APPEARED BEFORE YOU TO ENTERTAIN ME TODAY!

Con: ENOUGH WITH THE SHOUTING YOU'RE KILLING MY EARS!

Coyote: Yeah, seriously man... :holds his head:

Dan: Haha! Rico Suave here couldn't hold his liquor!

Coyote: Only cuz you roofied me.

Dan: What?

Garcian: Enough! What do you want us to do?

K7Q: You shall perform a rendition of RESIDENT EVIL for me!

Garcian: Wait...you mean the videogame or the movie?

K7Q: VIDEOGAME! The movies sucked!

Coyote: I dunno. I thought Milla Jovovich was kinda hot.

Dan: Yeah, for a Rooskie, I'd probably bang her.

Garcian: Why do we have to do this?"

K7Q: Because my nephew messed up my Gamecube!

Con: Wow, that does suck.

K7Q: Indeed, it doth be the suck something fierce!

Dan: One: There's more of you?! Two:Why should we do anything for you?

K7Q: Because, as wielder of the God Hand, I will send your ass to the Naruto dimension faster than you can say "Scott came in face ugly so killed him! Itchy Tasty!" And yes, I am not the only one of my kind! So watch your ass!

Con: Ha! Inside joke!

Dan: That doesn't even make any sense! And Oh my God we're doomed!

K7Q: You shall assemble a cast of characters! When you are done summoning your team, meet me at this address! If you do not show up within three hours, you shall suffer the consequences!

The Queen vanishes.

Dan: What a wackjob!

Coyote: So what do we do now?

Garcian: We do what she says. We go through with her plan.

Dan: Why? It's bullshit! I've got better things to do.

Garcian: Do you wanna go to Naruto world?

Dan: (Sigh) I'll go get the others.

Con: Wait! I like Naruto!

To be continued...


	2. The Cast

2.

The Cast

Dan walked around the house.

Dan: Okay people! Meeting time! Get the fuck up and come to the living room!

Kevin and Mask looked up from a game of go. Kaede read a manga.

Mask: Uno momento Dan. I have you now Kevin!

Kaede: Lacking a bit of subtlety today, aren't we?

Dan: Big issue. The crazy god hand bitch visited us. We have a mission to complete or risk becoming bastard Viz ninja kids.

Kaede: Oh hell. What do we have to do?

Dan: Get your ass up and come to the meeting if you wanna know so damn badly!

Kaede rolled her eyes and stuck a bookmark in the manga as she stood up. Mask and Kevin paused their go game to follow her into the living room. Dan went back into the kitchen and scanned the rest of the house.

Dan: Where the hell is Sam and the old man?

Kaede: Didn't you read the sticky note on the fridge? Samantha and Harman left to go handle some business in America. They won't be back until tomorrow.

Dan: Whatever.

Everyone sat in the living room.

Mask: What's going on, Garcian?

Garcian: K7Q has invaded us and forced us into a mission we can't refuse. We have to perform a reenactment of the videogame Resident Evil, or risk being banished to the Naruto dimension. Now we only have a couple of hours to get everything set up. First of all, just so we're clear, how many people have actually played Resident Evil?

Everyone held their hands up.

Garcian: Damn! You all played it? How did that happen? I mean, I know the games are popular. But if even Dan plays it, I gotta know how.

Flashback:

Con and Coyote decided to play a game of Resident Evil after they had Ebayed a box set of the American versions two weeks earlier. Kaede saw them play and sat down to watch. She volunteered to take the control while they took a smoke break or got stuck on a puzzle. Kevin saw them play and took over when Kaede was stuck or tired.

Soon enough, Mask saw them play and started doing his routine exercises near the group just to watch the game. The four players started a new game just for him so that he could learn how to play and the others could remember all the moves. Kevin and Kaede backed away from the group long enough to help with errands and dinner since Mask got killed at least twenty times on his first try.

After beating it the first time on easy mode, the five assassins huddled around the entertainment center to play the game on normal and hard mode. They took turns with the game; you die, you pass the controller. The only exception was Mask, who was given three chances because he still sucked at it. Con, Coyote, and Kevin played Chris. Kaede and Mask played Jill on their own games. For two days, the game-binging kept up.

Present:

Garcian: That still doesn't explain how Dan got into it.

Another Flashback:

Day three, Dan got pissed because he actually had to get out of the house and go into town to buy booze. Along the way, he managed to get wasted with a college student in a schoolgirl outfit. The schoolgirl saw the people playing the game and got excited because she loved Biohazard (Japanese Resident Evil). The group let her play after Samantha knocked Dan unconscious for falling into one of the paper walls in a drunken stupor. When he woke up, he got mad because he had not been laid yet and his piece of ass was playing videogames with the rest of the crew. In a fit of rage, he drug the chick by her hair away from the circle and started playing the game himself.

The group watched as drunk Dan tried to play the game. They laughed has he got killed almost every five minutes. He was worse than Mask. But then he got farther and farther. Soon, the group was placing bets on Dan if he won or lost. Kaede, Mask, and Kana (the schoolgirl) were for Dan while Coyote, Kevin, and Con bet against him. The bet ended within twenty-four hours. Dan actually beat it while fighting off a hangover in nineteen hours. However, in his victory, Dan puked all over the Gamecube.

Present:

Garcian: Damn! No wonder I found you guys passed out when I got home.

Coyote: Lost 5,000 yen that night. u-u

Kevin: (Me too.) u-u

Con: The Gamecube still smells like puke. T-T

Kaede: Yeah, but Kana made the best sukiyaki.

Mask: Si, esta muy bueno conicera.

Dan: Had the biggest tits I seen since we moved here. Shoulda called her and got the hell outta here when I had the chance.

Garcian: Moving back to subject, K7Q wants us to perform the scenes of the game. So characters include Chris, Jill, Barry, Rebecca, Wesker, Kenneth, Forrest, Joseph, Enrico, and Brad. So we have to figure who will play whom.

Con: Wait, how do you know about Resident Evil, G-Man?

Flashback Again!:

Garcian came home from a stay at Okinawa. He saw everyone asleep in the living room and gritted his teeth at the smell of vomit on the floor.

Garcian: Shit, that's gonna stain!

Garcian got some cleaning supplies and cleaned the puke off the console. He saw the copies of Resident Evil sprawled around.

Garcian: Hey, I remember this game! Oh snap, when did they remake it?

Garcian pressed the shiny power button. He then picked Dan up from the back of his suit and drug his unconscious body off the couch.

Garcian: Out of the way, Irish! It's the cleaner's turn!

Present Again! Fun Times!:

Garcian: First try and I beat it by sunrise!

Con: G-Man has teh mad skillz!

Garcian: Damn right!

Dan: Nerd.

Garcian: Don't even start with that! You played it too!

Dan: Yeah, but I was drunk.

Kaede: Obviously, I'll be playing Jill since I'm the only girl present. So that's taken care of.

Garcian: Yeah, that's true. But what about Rebecca? Who will play her?

Kaede slides closer to Con. She attacks him and rearranges his bandanna to reveal short, brown hair. Con struggles but ends up looking like Rebecca Chambers with white eyes.

Con: Aww Come on! I don't wanna play a girl! I wanna play Chris!

Coyote: How can you play Chris? You're blind.

Con: I beat the game playing Chris! And I kick ass!

Coyote: Yeah, with auto-aim! And you nearly broke your shoulder the last time you stole Dan's magnum.

Con: But! 'OoO'

Garcian: Okay then, Kaede is Jill and Con is Rebecca. Okay now we need a Chris and Barry. Who's up for Chris?

Dan, Coyote, and Garcian all three raise their hands.

Dan: Aww come on! It can't be Garcian!

Garcian: Why not?

Dan: Cuz Chris is not black.

Garcian: Aww come one, Dan! Don't be like that! Not now, anyway!

Dan: No! Chris is white and I'm the whitest guy in here so it should be me!

Kevin: (Excuse me?) T.T

Dan: Oh come on, Brit. You know what I'm talking about...Chris ain't albino either so don't even try it!

Kevin shakes his head. He picks up a bottle of Coyote's hair gel and slicks his hair back. He folded his arms and stood tall.

Garcian: Hey, that's it! Kevin can be Wesker.

Coyote: Yeah that kinda does work out!

Con: He even has the creepy red-eye thing going on like when Wesker comes back in the sequels!

Dan: Wait! How can he be Wesker? He can't even talk!

Kevin picked up a mac laptop and messed with the voice program. He typed in some dialogue and lipsunk the words, "Jill, don't open that door!" It sounded like a robot with a British accent.

Dan: Oh please, that barely sounds like Wesker!

Kaede: I dunno. I think the computer voice makes him sound more evil.

Mask: And British. Don't forget Senior Wesker always had the strange British accent!

Con: Heh heh. British robot Wesker!

Garcian: Works for me.

Kevin: v

Dan: This is gonna suck.

Garcian: We still need a Chris and a Barry.

Coyote: I think I should be Chris because I'm smooth and strong. Plus, I can pick locks.

Dan: The chick is the one that gets to pick the locks. Chris has to find the keys!

Coyote: Why not have me pick locks? Es stupid to scramble around de mansion just for a damn old key!

Dan: That's the way the game is played!

Garcian: Why are you so passionate all of the sudden? I thought you didn't like Resident Evil!

Dan: Not really, but I don't wanna spend the rest of my existence in pussy-ninja-mcbuttfuck world. So I'm doing everything in my power to get this shit over with and go back to my happy non-sober state.

Mask: I could be Chris. I'm strong like him.

Con: Like him? Hell, Mask, you know you're way stronger than him! You can't play him cuz you'd just break the doors down and suplex all the zombies! You should be the Tyrant!

Mask: Oh no, I can't be that! I might scare the kids if they saw me as a huge monster!

Dan: One of you has to play Enrico since he's the only Mexican in the game.

Garcian: Dan!

Dan: What! It's true!

Mask: Well, I can't play Enrico. I'm bulletproof.

Dan: That leaves the wolf-man then.

Coyote: Aww fuck!

Mask: I can play Barry. I'm helpful.

Garcian: Okay Mask is Barry. But that still leaves empty spots for Chris, and all the dead guys.

Dan: You can be the black dude.

Garcian: Damnit Dan!

Con: I say we vote on it!

Dan: All right then, raise your hand if you want Garcian to play Chris.

Garcian, Con, Coyote, and Mask raise their hands.

Dan: What's with you two? :points to Kevin and Kaede: You want me to play Chris?

Kaede: Sure.

Kevin nodded.

Coyote: What the hell, chica?

Con: Yeah, guys! What the fuck!

Kaede: Think about it. We never thought about whose scenario we would have to perform. If we do Jill's POV then Wesker locks Chris up in a cell until Jill frees him near the end. Meaning Kevin gets to lock Dan up for most of the game until I supposedly reach him. However, freeing Chris is optional. So Dan can rot for all I care!

Dan: Aww FUCK YOU BITCH!

Coyote: Hey that is true! I might get shot! But I least I die like a badass!

Con: It's worth me playing a chick!

Garcian: Well then, I guess that settles it. Dan is Chris. And I'm a dead black guy.

Kaede: It's okay, Garcian. Maybe next time you will get to be black Chris or Barry.

Garcian: (Sigh.) Yeah, I guess so.

Dan: Well fuck it! It's not like I care about the game anyway!

Con: Hey, wait! Who's playing the others? As a matter of fact, who's playing all the zombies and monsters? And what are we supposed to wear?

Everyone anime falls.

To be contined...


	3. The Shit Going Down

3.

The Shit Going Down

Garcian got directions for the address the Queen gave him and the assassins rode off to the wooded regions of Okinawa. After an hour, the crew reached a large laboratory in the middle of nowhere. Garcian and the others looked around and noticed the camera watching them from a corner. The main doors opened up electronically and the assassins walked in.

They went through a large hallway and down an a large, industrial elevator. Coyote and Con eyed their little moving space.

Con: Wait a sec! Something about this place sounds familiar.

Coyote: Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

The seven killers exited the elevator when it stopped. They entered a huge, curved hallway after that with monitors encrusting a chunk of the outer wall. A large couch sat in the middle of the walkway. Samantha and two Japanese men sat on it while Harman sat in his wheelchair next to them. One of the men wore a luchadore mask. The Queen sat in an office chair and manned the sceurity terminals.

K7Q: Ah! You came! Good! I was almost getting worried.

Garcian: Harman? Samantha? What are you guys doing here?

Harman: We're here to watch the fun.

Dan: Oh great. Red head and the geezer get front row seats to this little fucking charade. Just my luck.

Samantha: Good to see you, too. It's what you get for trashing the house all the time.

Coyote: Hey! I remember now! This is the lab-terminal room from 0 and 2!

Con: That's right!

Mask: Aww I haven't played those yet!

K7Q: That doesn't matter. You're here to recreate the first one.

Con: But what do we do for costumes? And what about the zombies?

Kaede: Yeah, what about that?

K7Q: Everything shall be properly provided. Just give me a moment.

The Queen typed away on a computer terminal. The costumes popped up on the assassins. Garcian was a little annoyed playing Kenneth since he was a dead guy. Dan freaked out about his hair.

Dan: What the fuck! My hair! I look like a dick!

Garcian: Dan, you are a dick.

The Jill Valentine Costume popped onto Kaede, followed by the Rebecca Chambers costume on Con. Con pouted.

Con: Do I even get to keep my weapons from 0?

K7Q: Sadly no. We are playing this by the books. Or game. Whatever.

Kaede: Hey, does that mean I get to change my costume later on?

K7Q: Yes. But you still have to go through the game the at least once.

Dan: Wait, are you saying we have to go through this more than once?

K7Q: Yeah, we're doing all the endings. Why do you think I'm only doing the first game? It's too long to do all the games at once.

Dan: Fuck me. I might as well off myself right now.

K7Q: How? You don't have your weapons yet.

Dan: vv -- anger face

Con: Why all the endings? Why can't we do just one?

K7Q: Because just one ending is not fun enough. You should know that by now! But look on the bright side, you guys will get to switch characters have each one and change costumes!

Samantha: Aww, how fun!

Kaede: Hey! That means Garcian might get to play black Chris after all!

Garcian: Hell yeah!

K7Q: But before we can think about the next game, we have to go through this one. And I ahve chosen the first scenario to be Chris.

Kaede: WHAT!

Coyote: Shit!

Con: Oh great! I'm fucked!

Dan: HA! HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TAKE THAT ASSHOLES!

Garcian: I'm sort of happy we get to do this more than once now.

Kevin: (At least I get to order Chris around and point a gun at him.)

Con: That'll be fun to see.

Kaede: That reminds me. What are we supposed to do for monsters? We have no people to play zombies.

K7Q: Oh, I have already made proper arrangements.

Kun Lan opens a door from behind everyone.

Kun Lan: I brought some _SNACKS_!

Dan: OH GOD NO!

Dan ran to the entrance door. It flew open and some Heaven Smile dressed like zombies pop out.

Dan: DEAR SWEET JEEZUS!

K7Q: Oh yeah, I had Kuni-boy fix up a batch of monsters just for this occasion.

Coyote: No shit!

Kaede: Shoulda seen this coming.

Con: Oh good I wasn't going nuts when I heard the laughter.

Garcian: So we're going to fight Heaven Smile while doing this?

K7Q: Yep! Well, not you. You play a dead guy. You get killed by them.

Garcian: Terrific. T-T

Samantha: Enough talking! Let's get this show pony on the track!

Kun Lan: Indeed. Do you know how much work it takes to make Heaven Smile look like undead? A lot more than you'd think. A _lot_. Little bastards can be such prima donnas at times.

K7Q: Yes, I think it is time to get things started. You know all your lines. You played the game. We start in the forest and end in the heli pad. This is a Chris scenario on normal. So the monsters will not just stay in one room. Conserve your ammo, your herb-

Con and Coyote: Heh heh...herb.

K7Q: And if all else fails, run like hell. If you don't make it through the game, we start over again. So don't fuck up. If you try to run away, you will be put back in place.

Dan: Damn!

K7Q: So let us begin: "Enter the world of survival horror!"

The Queen typed up a bunch of code into the terminal. Suddenly, the assassins vanished from the lab. She activated all of the security monitors.

Goichi Suda: This is going to awesome!

Shinji Mikami: I love being me!

K7Q: Everyone ready?

All: Yes.

K7Q: Then let's get this shit started!


	4. The Arrival ChrisDan 01

Chapter 4:

The Beginning

"We were somewhere around Barstow when the drugs began to take hold--

Wait, what? Oh shit! Wrong story!

"We were sent to investigate the bizarre murders talking place in the Arklay Mountains on the outskirts of Raccoon City. There have been numerous reports of hikers and campers being brutally murdered in the forests by unknown forces. Some of the victims looked.... to have been eaten. Bravo Team was sent to investigate the murders but lost contact with us hours ago. We discovered their helicopter crashed in the middle of the forest but other members are missing--"

Dan: Hey, tranny! Shut the fuck up and get moving!

Con: FUCK YOU! ::looks into his camera:: "This is our story."

-Dan, Mask, Kaede, and Kevin stood in the forest near some helicopter wreckage. They pulled out their guns and prepared for the upcoming attacks. Dan sees something white a few yards away.-

Dan: What the fuck? ::points his gun and flashlight::

-A white gimp wearing a uniform jumped up and froze in a weird pose.-

Dan: Who the fuck are you?

Mask: Es Kikazaru!

Dan: What's he doing here dressed up like that?

-Iwazaru waved his arms around in some sort of response.-

Kaede: He says that he and the other Zarus were recruited to play the other Bravo Team members.

Mask: That makes him Joseph then, right?

Iwazaru: ::nod::

Dan: What cha got in your hand, runt?

-Iwazaru held up a gun with a bloody hand still attached to it.-

Dan: Ewwwwww! You sick fuck!

Kaede: You should've seen that coming. It's part of the beginning.

Dan: I never saw the beginning part! I started playing in the hallway with the stairs!

Kaede: T-T*

-Kikazaru is then spontaneously attacked in the face by a rabid dog covered in spagettiOs and ketchup.-

Dan: Shit!

-More rabid dogs run after the team. Everyone runs to the mansion ahead. Mask power kicked some of the dogs away and takes off somewhere. Dan, Kaede, and Kevin enter the mansion and shut the door.-

Dan: What do we do now?

Kaede: "What just happened? And where's Ma-I mean Barry?"

-Mask and Kikazaru play fetch with the dogs outside in the woods.-

Mask: Haha! Good boy! Who'd have thought simple guard dogs covered in food and toothpaste would be so scary?

-Kikazaru clapped his hands and threw a tennis ball. A dog still attacked his face.-

Kikazaru: AAAAAAAAAH!

~Back to the Mansion!~

Kaede: "What was that?"

Dan: What was what?

KAPOW!

Kaede: Sorry, got ahead of myself for a sec.

Kevin: (Corny Mac-Robot Voiceover) Chris, go investigate that noise.

Dan: Uhhhh, right...

Kaede: Door to the left....

Dan: Right, I knew that. Leaving now.

-Dan entered the dining room. The usual shit was around. Table. Chairs. Paintings. Old clock that stands out. Fireplace with the wooden emblem and blood on the floor.-

Dan: Ew. Blood. Wonder who's it is?

UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGH!

Dan: TT Oh nooo, I'm tootally going to ignore the moaning zombie above me until I get up to the second floor!

Silence.

Dan: Dumbass.

-Dan entered the first zombie hallway. He walked to the left.-

Dan: I guess I better say hey to Garcie.

-Dan walks in on the corner. Garcian's face was dented with slight shock.-

Dan: Hey Garcie, how's being dead feel? You really look you part man. You're the greatest actor to play a dead, black guy ever. And I mean that.

Garcian: O.O

Dan: Right. Time to get down to business.

-Dan takes pulls out his weapon. It's a combat knife.-

Dan: What the fuck!!!

Zombie: Hehehehehahahahaha!

Dan: Oh, fuck!

-Zombie turns its head and reveals it is actually a Heaven Smile in pastey make-up and bad clothes.-

Zombie: Hahahaha!

Dan: Oh fuck this shit!

-Dan runs out of the room.-

Dan: I am soo ringing those little fuckers' necks when I get back there!

-Dan bursts through the Great Hall door.-

Dan: Hey! Four-eyes! What kind of joke is this! How am I supposed to kill shit with a damn butter spreader!

-The main hall is empty.-

Dan: Oh, great. where did those little bastards go?

-Dan discovers a pistol on the floor.-

Dan: Great. I'm stuck with a pea shooter. This is the last time I take my hand off my revolver.

Meanwhile, back in the lab.

K7Q: HAhahahahahaha! That was great. I love the zombies, Kun.

Kun Lan: Thank you. It took actually took a lot of work to get them to look like zombies. You would never think the Heaven Smile were high-maintenance. But actually, they're a bunch of prima donnas!

Samantha: I noticed the dogs are normal (although covered in food). I don't understand why you never changed any animals into Heaven Smile. I only see humanoid Smiles.

Kun Lan: Yeah, there were a lot of with my followers regarding animal rights and such these days. My minions don't mind committing acts of terrorism and killing themselves for my cause against humanity. But when _animals_ are involved, then there are protests, boycotts, and all this other stuff. But remember the times when I _did_ use animals? Before all the standards and practises?

Harman: Ah, those were crazy days. You were the reason there is increased security at animal resorts.

Samantha: Public zoo one day, Hiroshima the next.

Kun Lan: Good times indeed. But there was another reason why I stopped using dogs and cats.

K7Q: Why is that?

Kun Lan: Dogs and cats have a certain defect that kept happening.

K7Q: And that is?

Kun Lan: Every time the subjects licked their own asses, they exploded prematurely. It caused many unnecesary casualties.

K7Q: Oh I bet it did. No buts about that!

Everyone laughs. To be continued.


	5. Dan Is Alone and Sober

Chapter 5:

Dan's Alone and Sober...For Now

_Enter the realm of survival horror..._

Dan: Whatever....

_Dan explores the main hall._

Dan: Shit...How the fuck do I get to the stairs room?...All these stupid fuckin doors are locked...How did Brit and Katie disappear then?...The only doors not locked are the dining room doors and--the front door! That's it!

_Dan opens the front door and steps outside. He looks around the gravel driveway and sees no one. _

Dan: Damnit, they have to be around here somewhere!

_The dogs jump out of the woods and go after him._

Dan: Shit! Forgot about them! *_runs back inside and tries to shut the door*_

Back, you little bastards! Back! *_shoves his gun in the door crack and lets a couple bullets loose.*_

BAM! BAM! BAM!

_One of the dogs tries to squeeze through. Dan kicks it back out. He shuts the door._

Dan: Man's best friend my ass!

_Dan backtracks to the dining room. _

Voice: Hehehehehahahaha!

Dan: _Oh no. _I _know_ I did not just hear a Heaven Smile looming above me on the second floor!

*silence*

Dan: That's what I thought.

_The smile fell from the second floor. It got back up and walked towards Dan. Dan shot it down._

BAM!

Dan: Bastards. And this house is full of em.

_Dan enters the first zombie room. He sees Garcian lying on the floor._

Dan: Hey, you! Why didn't you tell me I start with a pussy gun?

Garcian: Because I'm supposed to be a dead black guy, remember?

Dan: Well, yeah, but a little "heads up" would have been nice!

Smile: Hehehehehehe!

Garcie: Smile behind you.

BAM!

Dan: Thanks. Now I need help getting around. How do I get to stairs room?

Garcian: Stairs room?

Dan: You know! The stairs room! The room with the fucking stairs!

Garcian: Dan, there are three or four "stairs rooms" in the entire game! You're going to have to be a little more specific!

Dan: The hallway stairs with the zombies and the hunter! The one with the storage room and the typewriter!

Garcian: Kerosene or serum?

Dan: What?

Garcian: What's in it? Kerosene tank or serum?

Dan: Kerosene...I think. *scratches head*

Garcian: Take the door next to me, go upstairs, through the door........

_10 minutes later....._

And that will take you to the east stairs room.

Dan: You gotta be shittin me!

Garcian: Nope. That's the plan.

Dan: I need a drink.

Garcian: There's alcohol in the lounge.

Dan: Seriously? Where?

Garcian: The door's back that way. But you need a key to open it.

Dan: God-DAMNIT! You mean I have to go through this entire thing hungover _and_ sober?

Garcian: It's not that long. The quicker you are, the quicker you get booze. Just follow the strategy and you'll be there in a little while.

_Dan follows Garcian's directions. Ten minutes later...._

Dan: Okay. I put the stupid arrow thing in the slot-

Smile: Hehahhahahaha!

Dan: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

_Five more minutes later._

Dan: Okay, I got the map but what's the dagger--

Smile: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BAM!

Dan: Okay. Got the stupid keys, got the stupid map. Even have a knife that's no good. Swell job. Drinks are on the house.....Damnit...

_Dan jiggles the doorknob leading to the dog hallway._

Dan: Damn. Locked!....Waitasec! *looks over at the dead smile that was still lying on the floor* Why haven't you burst into dust yet? *kick kick*

_Dan runs back to the first zombie hall._

Dan: Garcie!

Garcian: I thought Kenneth wasn't supposed to help Chris in the game. I just lie on the floor and you pick up some ammo and a tape of me dying.

Dan: Yeah, well, we decided to bend the rules a bit. And by "we" I mean me and this piece of shit pistol that I still make awesome by my mere presence.

Garcian:..........

Dan: Tell me, inglorious leader, why don't the Heaven Smiles turn to dust?

Garcian: The smile that "killed" me looks like a Poison Smile, doesn't it?

Dan: Holy shit, that's right! They're dressed up like retarded hobos. But they _are_ purple and smell like ass.

Smile: Err.....

Garcian: I predict that, to compensate for the lack of zombies, our little makers made these Poison Smiles reawaken at certain points as our "Crimson Heads".

Dan: Oh shit! I forgot about those fuckers. How long do we have?

Garcian: I don't know. Depends on the difficulty. Usually it takes at least--

Smile: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dan: SHIIT! WHERE'S THE WEAKSPOT!

Garcian: It doesn't have one! Crimson heads only die from loads of gunfire!

Dan: Oh that's fuckin' perfect! *keeps shooting the head* Where's Mask when you need im?

Garcian: He's not in the Chris scenarios!

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

SPLAK!

Dan: HEADSHOT!

_The smile fell down and bled on the floor._

Dan: Hell yeah. Taught that motherfucker. Wait a sec....... *collects the blood* You said that all the zombies are prone to come back, right?

Garcian: If you don't dispose of them properly, then yes.

Dan: I'll be right back.

_Dan ran back upstairs and killed all the smiles he did not burn or decapitate. Five minutes later, Dan runs back into the first zombie hall and up towards the elevator and kitchen._

Garcian: What the hell?

KABOOOOOOOOOOM!

Garcian: OoO

_Dan runs back._

Dan: GARCIE! GUESS WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT!

Garcian: Oh God, Dan. What have you done?

Dan: COME ON, MAN! YOU GOTTA SEE!

_Garcian follows Dan up the hall. A massive hole in the wall replaced the door to the lounge. Dan jumped behind the counter and made himself comfortable with a bottle of whiskey._

Garcian: WHAT DID YOU DO!

Dan: I found out I can use my Collateral Shot in this game!

Garcian: *ANIME FALL*

To be continued...


	6. Dan Is No Longer Sober

**Chapter 6:**

**Dan is No Longer Sober**

_Dan and Garcian sit at the lounge and drink. _

Garcian: You know you still have to go through this entire mansion, right?

Dan: Yeaaaah. I know. Gahd, yoo sound liek my mom! She's dead God rest 'er soul!

Garcian: You will be, too, if you don't get a move on.

Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on. _*fills the rest of his inventory with liquor*_ Now....wheredooaigonow?

Garcian: _*sigh*_ You need to go check out the East Wing. It's the other side of the mansion.

Dan: Right.........Soooooooooooo I just leave out this doooooooor...........

Garcian: You have no idea where you're going do you?

Dan: NO! NO! It's comin back to meh! Just...let me sip a little more o me beauty juice to get the brain perkelatin and... _*fall*_

Garican: v-v Damnit Dan! _*grabs Dan and drags him out of the lounge and boots him back into the main hall.*_ Go that way! _*points to the East Wing*_ And don't come back until you have the sheet music! _*shuts the dining room doors*_

Dan: Gahd, Garcie! Gotta be such a buzzkill!...Fuck it! Got a mission to complete! _*staggers across the room* _Stoopid flooor won't stop mooovin and trippin me! _*face-floor* _Fuck! There went th' bourbon! _*tries to lick it up*_ Ow! Fuck! Cut mah tongue!

_*crawls to the map room door and pours into the room and looks up at the statue*_

Holy shit tits!....Oh wait...not real....fuckin' tease, man!.....

_*stumbles into the dog hallway*_

Someone should fix those windows...lettin in the fuckin flies....

_*busts into the green hallway*_

HOLY FUCK GOTTA PEE!....BATHROOM!

_*Busts open the bathroom door. He runs to the toilet and struggles to undo his pants*_

Fucking outfit! What is this, some kind of hopped up onesie?.....OOOOOOOHHHH FFUUUUCK YEAAAH! OH FUCK YEAH! FUCK I NEEDED THAT! OH GOD THAT FEELS GOOD!

_Meanwhile, more "zombies" bust through the windows._

Hehehehehehe!

Dan: BE OUT IN A MINUTE!

*knock knock knock knock*

Dan: I SAID I'LL BE OUT IN A--- _*stomach starts churning*_ Oh shit!

_*POW!*_

_*Four smiles shuffle in*_

Smiles: HEHAHAHAHHAHA!

Dan: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGH!

*puke flies everywhere*

BLALALALALALALAAASLSLSDAGAUAHHHHHHH!

_Dan aims his pistol and shoots wildly at the smiles while still violently puking._

BLABLABLALBALALLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHH!

_BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!_

_The smiles fell to the floor._

Dan: FUCK! I'm outta ammo. But I feel better now...Oh wait, I'm supposed to set you fuckers on fire....Wait a sec...

_Dan takes out his lighter and blows into it. It becomes a minature flamethrower._

Dan: Heh...Works for me! _*dumps some alcohol on the dead bodies and sets them ablaze*_ Ah...smells like victory!......Holyshitblackout!

_Dan falls into the empty bathtub and passes out._

To be continued...


End file.
